Friday, February 24, 2012

Tiny Specks Playing their roles!

How exactly does one define Nature? Is it only all the scenery and the flora and fauna that surrounds us? What about us, the bearers of the sixth sense - Who have inhabited this planet for ages and causing havoc to it on one side and trying to restore and conserve it on the other?

On seeing the contest about ‘real, authentic and natural experiences’, I started pondering about it and attempted to trace back along the lines of memory in search of events that would fit this description. What first came to my mind follows......

‘Oh! that huge kidney shaped thing there! Is that the baby?’ I had asked my doctor during my first visit to confirm my pregnancy.

I had done a self- test the previous night and the result had been positive. A visit to the gynecologist followed for confirmation. He immediately set about taking an ultrasound scan when I asked this question.

‘No, Not that. That’s your uterus. Do you see the small dot inside of that kidney? That’s your baby. Congrats’ the doctor replied calmly. Close to sixty years of age, he had seen hundreds of entries into the world and all sorts of reactions from first time mothers – Composed, Excited, Scared, Exuberant, and Nonchalant etc.

My husband was super-excited. And I? I was feeling blank! Absolutely Blank! I did not feel anything. Things were just happening and happening too fast. Yes, we had decided together that it was time for us to start a family and it was a very well planned pregnancy. Yet! What I was experiencing was only a strange blankness devoid of any deep feeling!

For one, it took some time for the news to sink in – Yes, I was pregnant and I was carrying our progeny inside of me though it was only a dot at that point in time.

All along, whenever I day-dreamt about having a baby I used to get reminded of the scenes in movies where married women learn that they are pregnant and are filled with elation and exuberance; They are engulfed in a feeling of motherhood; They keep touching their bellies and talking to their unborn child; knitting socks with lot of love etc

Well, in reality I was confused. ‘What a huge responsibility! Am I really capable enough to raise a child?’ I kept asking myself. And what kept surprising and to a great extent annoying and irritating me was the lack of any jubilant feelings inside of me that I had always envisioned. ‘What kind of a mother am I?’ I thought.

The super-excitement of all around me - parents, in-laws, friends added to my bewilderment.

Anyways, dutifully I started doing things which anyone pregnant is supposed to do. My moving around became extremely cautious. I was careful about my food restricting all unhealthy intakes and concentrating on the nutritional values in my diet. I meticulously followed all the medication prescribed and strictly avoided all foods that my grandmother asked me to.
One of my neighbors said that if you read good philosophical books during pregnancy the child will end up very intelligent and smart. Well, What do I love reading? Murder Mysteries. Ok ! Considering the good of the life inside of me I forced myself to read some of the books she lent me. Though it required a herculean effort to do so!!

My body did not show any signs during my first trimester. I had absolutely no nausea, no morning sickness and no cravings. It was just like my pre-pregnancy times. At times I had to remind myself ‘Hey! Don’t forget! You ARE PREGNANT’.

Days passed like this. My baby bump started showing and slowly gained size. I always looked forward to the visits to the gynecologist with a lot of zeal and excitement – To see the developments in the ultrasound scan – To find out what’s new this time. More curious about the way things were progressing.

Otherwise life was just like before – Work during weekdays and lazy weekends.

One evening I was lying down on the bed facing the ceiling.

It was a Friday evening. ‘Dhasavatharam’ movie songs were the latest in tinsel world and the song Muguntha Muguntha I had heard in the morning refused to get out of my brain.

With my eyes close I started singing softly ‘Muguntha Muguntha Krishna Muguntha Muguntha’ and ‘Thud’ I felt something. ‘Now what was that? ‘I wondered.

‘Krishna Muguntha Muguntha’ I tried to continue .

‘Thud,Thud,Thud’ again! With much greater force.

And then again! And Again!

Then the fact of what was happening slowly dawned on me.

It was my offspring, kicking me inside my womb. He was real and he was inside of me, exerting as much force as he could muster, proving his presence to me and maybe trying to tell me ‘I like the way you sound ma’. There he was, curled up safe and sound inside of me and trying to communicate with me.

A strange feeling suddenly swept all over me- A very beautiful feeling- Happiness and peace laced with something additional that I could not define.

‘Maybe this is what is called Motherhood’ I wondered.

We were two tiny specks in this vast expanse of the universe one inside of the other playing our roles in nature’s rules of evolution and expansion.

A smile came on my lips; the same one I had envisioned long back in my day dreams .

I touched my belly with affection and started speaking to my unborn child.

This is my submission to the Indi Blogger - Kissan 100% Real Blogger Contest


  1. Nice writing.. This made me reminisce about the first time my daughter kicked. It was a Saturday morning, I and my husband were relaxing after our brunch. My husband played Chinnanchiru kilye kannama (bharathiyar song)in our music player. That was the time when I felt her kick first. No words to explain the boundless joy experienced at that moment. With few more kicks followed, I was in tears of happiness at the end of the song.

    Its still fresh in my memory.

  2. Thanks for stepping in and reading my post,Priya

    True, its an emotion which the poor men-folk never get to experience! :)