Thursday, June 28, 2012

F55 - (2 in 1)

My first attempt at F 55. Two in one.

F-55 - 1

Street lights heralded the sun’s disappearance. A reverberating noise filled the air, indicating the onslaught. The airborne troops charged ahead, their dangerous weapons ready; poised for attack. An all-female army yet ruthless! The retaliation was unexpected. Engulfed in a blast of poisonous vapor they fell, one by one to their deaths. The coil kept guarding.




F-55 -2

She was exhausted. All the screaming had dried her throat. The ill-fitting gown and hair that stuck to the perspiration resulted in a shabby and disheveled appearance.
Tears started trickling down her cheeks. She knew not why.
Yet she was in her most beautiful form. Few minutes had passed since she won the title – Mother.

66 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. That was such a fast response Ash. Thanks :D

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    2. Yeah, I got your post in my rss feed :P check out my latest one too, wd be great to hv ur opinion too!

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  2. First one is brilliant, coil, female army and light. It took me couple of seconds to grasp it. :)

    Awww for the second one. Too good. I loved the vocabulary here...:)

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    1. Thank you so much Saru :) I wrote these and before I saved my pc got shut down . Thanks to Microsoft words autorecovery ! Phew!

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    2. Actually the first one is brilliant. You can't judge till you finish it and it has all the elements of 55.

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  3. Jaish! Wow! I, too, got the first one the second time around. The second one was awesome, too!

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  4. hey Jayashree, brilliant writing. i had to read the first one a few times to understand. but loved the way you wrote it. i wrote a poem on that, should be there somewhere in my archive with the title "bored" :D. read it if you get time.

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    1. Hi

      Thanks for the comment . Did not realize the first one was so difficult ha ha . Almost everyone has commented that they had to read it more than once to grasp . I am referring to tortoise mosquito coil there :) I think I remember 'bored' . Will read again

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  5. Hi Jayashree :) :) :) I loved the second poem :) :)

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  6. Hey! What is F55??
    But I loved the second one! I just became an uncle last week! My sister's feelings right there! Awesome!

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    1. Hi Danny

      F55 is Fiction 55 . Fiction written using just 55 words . I was also not aware of it till I came across a few in indiblogger . Congrats on the new bundle of joy :)

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  7. Frankly speaking, when I read the first one, I had no clue what you were referring to, I took it too literally. Now I understand. :)

    Second one is too beautiful. Loved it. :)

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    1. Hi akshay

      I am referring to Mosquitos and repellents :) everyone has said that it took them some time to grasp it . Maybe I should have explicitly stated :) thanks a ton for the continuous support

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  8. Wow! you rock at F55s too, eh.

    Loved both. I think they should have been two posts, though. So there'll be some time for each story sink in, as they're really short ones.

    Keep them coming, Jaish. :)

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    1. Hmm ! Will keep that in mind for the next F55 :) thanks for the comments

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  9. At first, I liked the second one. I guessed it on the first sentence itself though. But on reading again and again, I liked the first one better :)
    Both are good. :)

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    1. Thank you so much :) First one I have not openly given the answer and most comments say they read it more than once to get it right :) thanks for the comments :)

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  10. Jaishree, this was just brilliant writing in both the instances:) Loved both...:)

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    1. Thanks for the support and encouragement Rahul :)

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  11. RHINO ROCKS :)
    i wanna write some 55 :(
    missing them badly...

    good work :)

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    1. Thanks Deepak :) . Why dont you write some 55 soon if you r missing them? Cant wait to read them :)

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  12. Great ones.....loved both and especially the imagery you give in both...left me with the feeling of having watched a short film..why dont you try your hand at filming short films? Should be right up your alley with your eye for details..

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    1. Thanks Ganesh. Short Films? Hmm..Have never thought about it before. Thanks for suggesting...May be I will try some time...But I have no idea about how to go about it :)

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  13. all female army :) I ma sure a day will come when that will be possible for sure ..

    loved both the stories

    Bikram's

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    1. Thanks a lot Bikram. An all-female army is good but not a ruthless one :)

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  14. Loved the second one...excellent one dear...never appeared to me as your first attempt towards 55-Fiction...
    keep scribbling...GOD bless u...tc... :)

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    1. Thank you so much :) God bless you too :)

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  15. This is splendid! especially the second one... i LOVED the second one! :) keep going! :)

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    1. Thanks Kirti. Many seem to like the second one better :)

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  16. I like the second one... really impressive Jaish :)

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  17. LOL--you wrote a F-55 on mosquitoes!!!!! That was so well-put:) And the second one was touching...doesn't the new mother always looks so beautiful jst after her kid is born!

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    1. Yeah ha ha....They are one common lot rt? My close friend recently gave birth and the photos were an inspiration for the second :) Thanks for reading every one of my posts and leaving behind your comments :D

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  18. Hey Jaish..both are just brilliant as was expected of you:) The first one however is par excellence..the imagery is far fetched and the element of ah-ness leaves the reader bewildered! I loved it!Great Work:)May you delight us with many more:) God bless you:)

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    1. Thank you so much Amitji. These words of praise have put me on cloud nine and I am prancing around with glee. Thank you for making my day :)

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  19. Jaish..both the 55's are great and looking forward to read many more from you!! All the best

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    1. Thanks a lot Engram.Glad that you liked it :)

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  20. Jaish, let me assure you those two are best 55-Worded stuff I have ever read. Period.

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  21. Typo: those two are the best 55-Worded stuff I have ever read.

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    1. Such a comment from a great writer like you....Wow!!!!!!!! Thanks a lot :)

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  22. Brilliantly written...Loved the first one!

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  23. Hi ,
    i love the SEecond one !!
    i visted your blog first time nd i really liked your blog . from today i m your latest follower ,,:)
    Thanks ,
    Anu

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    1. Thanks Anu . Being followed is one of the best things that can happen to any blogger :D thank you so much :)

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  24. Both are very nice...Liked the second one :-)

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  25. Wow.. First attempt. Seriously! I would say brilliance is the word. And then there is two of them which makes this post a double delight. Loved everything about both the 55s. The first one was extremely well thought out and perfectly expressed. The second one was so sweet and conveyed the most beautiful emotion so exquisitely. I feel that 55 is one of the toughest to write as you have to convey a lot in so less words. And you seem to have mastered this genre at the very first go. Looking forward to many more such little gems.

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    1. Thanks a lot Raj. You have been extremely generous with your words of appreciation and I am humbled. Thanks for the continuous support.

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  26. both are great ! though the second one was very touching ...

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  27. your first attempt you say?? can't believe. Brilliantly worded..loved both of them :-)

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    1. Yes Uma. I was not aware of this genre earlier. Thanks a lot :)

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  28. The second one is unexpected thus a pleasant surprise :)

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  29. I liked the second one more. Very beautiful and poignant.

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  30. Wonderful writing Jaish..:-) My vote for the second one.Brilliant writing..:-)

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  32. Awesome.... Keep them coming :)

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